Ugly Love

“I’m staring at her because she hasn’t spoken yet, but her nod is the nicest thing a girl has ever said to me. I ask her where she’s from, and she tells me Arizona. ‘Phoenix,’ she specifies. I don’t ask her what brought her to California, but I do tell her my father does business in Phoenix a lot because he owns a few buildings there.”

Hoover foreshadows an obstacle to Miles and Rachel’s romance through their parents’ unexpected romantic relationship. Miles connects Rachel moving from Phoenix to his father’s trips to Arizona, and the relationship between their parents becomes a significant problem for them. Insights into Miles’s backstory inform how readers understand his actions in the present with Tate.

“I come to the conclusion that his appearance is completely contradictory. It’s as if two different creators were at war when he was envisioned. The strength in his bone structure contrasts with the soft, inviting appeal of his lips. They seem harmless and welcoming compared with the harshness in his features and the jagged scar that runs the length of the right side of his jaw.”

While offering a description of Miles as a conventionally-attractive man with a dark past, Hoover also uses this description to characterize the dualities within him: All the pain he has experienced is reflected in the armor he puts on to protect himself, but there’s a softness and willingness to love underneath it all.

“I close the door. It’s the saddest door I’ve ever had to close.”

Doors and doorways are recurring motifs that thematically develop Relationship Boundaries Versus Emotional Walls. Although Miles is referring to closing the door on his initial ability to pursue a relationship with Rachel, he’s also hinting at the impact Rachel has on his life. He gets to be with her shortly after this despite closing the door, but he’s foreshadowing the fact that he must move on after Clayton’s death.

“Something strange is going on in my chest. A flutter, flutter kind of thing. I hate it, because I know what it means. It means my body is really starting to like Miles. I just hope my brain never catches up.” 

Tate’s description of how she’s feeling versus how she wants to feel plants the early seeds for the conflict that occupies much of her character arc throughout the novel. She desperately wants Miles even though she logically knows the limitations of their relationship. Tate rationalizes her behavior to validate her body’s desires, which results in the trampling of her own boundaries.

“No paintings on the sterile white walls. No decorations. No color whatsoever. Even the solid oak table dividing the kitchen from the living room is undecorated. It’s so unlike the home I grew up in, where the kitchen table was the focal point of my mother’s entire house, complete with a table runner, an elaborate overhead chandelier, and plates to match whatever the current season was. Miles doesn’t even have a fruit bowl.”

This description of Miles’s living space reflects his inner state at this point in the novel and serves to highlight the contrast between Tate and Miles’s pasts. Whereas Tate had a typical, positive family experience, Miles’s past reflects a complicated family experience with his parents and with Rachel.

“She releases me but only physically. I can still feel her in every other way. I look away from her, but everything is still Rachel.” 

While this hyperbole may seem like Miles is just being a dramatic teenager, it’s actually indicative of the depths of his feelings for Rachel. When Miles loves someone, it consumes him. This parallels the way everything becomes Miles for Tate when she falls in love with him. In the flashback chapters, Hoover uses poetic sentiment and different typography to showcase Miles’s happiness in love.

“I’ve always been a sucker for the quiet types of mans. Primarily because most guys talk too much, and it’s painful having to suffer through every single thought that goes through their heads. Miles makes me wish he were the opposite of the quiet type though. I want to know all the thoughts that pass through his head. Especially the one thought that’s in there right now, hiding behind that unwavering, stoic expression.”

Miles challenges Tate’s desires. This commentary about who she’s usually attracted to and what she wants shows how Miles may be changing her mindset. While she’ll never be interested in hearing what men like Dillon have to say, Tate longs for what she can’t have because she is in love with Miles. The concept of “forbidden” love appears in Miles’s parallel storyline with Rachel.

“Maybe if I stare at her enough, I’ll get tired of staring at her. I want to taste her. Maybe if I taste her enough, I’ll get tired of tasting her. […] We lie to ourselves about the truth. We tell ourselves we’ve got this…when we don’t have it at all.”

Even with Rachel before the loss of Clayton, Miles tries to deny his feelings because he knows the situation is complicated and less than ideal. He’s aware that he’s lying to himself but keeps on doing it because it lets him be with Rachel. This reflects Tate’s attitude in the present-day timeline with Miles as she knows she’s lying to herself when she says she wants only sex with him. Because that lie lets her be with him, she repeats it. Both Miles and Tate embody the theme of The Duality of Pleasure and Pain.

“I push the needle in for the fourth time. I know it hurts, but he doesn’t let it show. Every time it pierces his skin, I have to stop myself from wincing for him.”

Tate empathizes with Miles to her own detriment, and this scene with the stitches is a physical representation of the emotional labor she’s doing on his behalf while he’s lost in his trauma. She can sense his pain, but because he ignores it on the surface so well, she bears the burden of both of their feelings. This small moment establishes this larger plot dynamic early in the novel.

“Corbin nods. He holds up his palms and mouths, ‘I’m sorry,’ like he didn’t mean to reveal such a big secret.”

This excerpt develops the theme of Relationship Boundaries Versus Emotional Walls. Tate’s extreme willingness to forgo her needs and desires to be close to Miles foreshadows how her major flaw leads to heartbreak. It isn’t until she’s willing to establish healthy boundaries and stop trying to feel for both of them that Miles can confront his past and be with her.

“I’d agree to anything if it means I get to be kissed by him again. Especially if it means I get to experience more than just his kiss.”

This excerpt develops the theme of Relationship Boundaries Versus Emotional Walls. Tate’s extreme willingness to forgo her needs and desires to be close to Miles foreshadows how her major flaw leads to heartbreak. It isn’t until she’s willing to establish healthy boundaries and stop trying to feel for both of them that Miles can confront his past and be with her.

“Rule number two is not looking good from back here.”

The act of setting rules develops the theme of Fear and Control as Roadblocks to Love. Tate’s speculation about rule number two (to not ask about the past or expect a future) parallels Miles’s rule number two with Rachel (not having sex). Hoover uses the present day to cast light on past events and show that both of these rules will be broken.

“I have to pull back. I tell her to give me a minute, and she nods, then rests her cheek against my chest. I lean back against the wall and pull her with me while I keep my eyes closed tightly. The words are once again attempting to break the barrier I’ve built up around them. Every time I’m with her, they want to come out, but I work and work to cement the wall that surrounds them. She doesn’t need to hear them.”

The parallel storylines thematically support Relationship Boundaries Versus Emotional Walls. Miles physically and emotionally withdraws from his feelings with both Rachel and Tate because he has built walls around himself for protection. He lost his mother at an early age and knows how much pain love can cause. He also falsely believes he doesn’t need to speak his truth to those he cares about, which causes both him and those he loves to suffer.

“I should tell him my one rule has just become Stop doing things that make me want to break your rules.”

Initially, Tate doesn’t establish a rule because she likes when Miles gives her hope, as she believes in a future of them together. Although she claims she doesn’t know her rule, she later establishes the clear boundary of no false hope.

“I ever tell you about the time I found a dead body on the third floor?”

This line is tonally dissonant with the novel’s events and characterizes Cap as the comedic relief. This dramatic statement breaks Tate’s somber mood with intrigue and beguilement, and Cap often shocks people into feeling better with overly-direct statements, strange questions, and silly jokes. This question bears no plot significance and is a non-sequitur, but it functions to lift the heavy mood.

“That’s why people enjoy kissing, because it feels good. But when you like to kiss someone because of who she is, the difference isn’t found in the pleasure. The difference is found in the pain you feel when you’re not kissing her.”

Miles’s intense way of experiencing love makes the pain he feels when that love is shattered all the more difficult. He hints at The Duality of Pleasure and Pain, one of the main themes of the novel, but he doesn’t fully grasp the meaning of that in this moment.

“Miles: Are you busy?

Me: Always busy. What’s up?

Miles: I need your help. Won’t take long.

Me: Be there in five.”

Hoover integrates texts within the prose to offer quick characterizations. This snippet of texting reveals Tate’s non-existent boundaries with Miles. She’s busy with work and school and hasn’t had a single day off in weeks, yet as soon as Miles texts her, she drops everything to help him. Although Miles’s emotionally-withholding behavior is an obstacle in their relationship, so is Tate’s continually self-sacrificing behavior.

“But I got tired of waiting for him, and he never said anything about dinner plans. […] I make him a plate and wrap it in foil before heading across the hall.”

Tate is frustrated that Miles hasn’t communicated dinner plans with her. She gave up on waiting for him, yet she still goes beyond in her generosity and brings him dinner. She gives so much more than she ever expects to receive, which is her core character trait. This is both her best quality and biggest flaw.

“She looks at me, and I can see that this moment isn’t one of the beautiful moments for her. Not like it is for me.”

While Miles is enjoying a perfect day at the beach with Rachel, he realizes she’s facing an unspoken battle. Rachel announces her pregnancy, which pulls Miles from his fantasy into reality. True to his romantic nature, he tries to hold on to the beauty of the revelation.

“I walk her back to bed, and I position her against the headboard. ‘Rachel,’ I say, touching her tear-stained cheek, ‘I’m not disappointed in you,’ I tell her. ‘Not in the least. I’m disappointed in myself. Which is why I want to do everything I possibly can to turn this around for you. For us. That’s what I’ve been doing today. I’ve been trying to find a way to make this better for us.’”

Miles tries to control everything, from Rachel’s position on the bed to their future circumstances. Although this desire to control situations comes from good intentions, it’s also what holds him and his relationships with others back. This scene develops the theme of Fear and Control as Roadblocks to Love.

“‘Either admit you want me for more than sex, or take me home.’ He’s quiet. Maybe he’s contemplating my ultimatum. Admit, Miles. Admit it. Please. The car begins moving again.”

When Tate asserts an ultimatum, Miles calls her bluff. He acts like he doesn’t care about her, which she knows is not true. Ironically, the movement of the car is a symbol of the stagnation in their relationship and the toxic patterns they’ve fallen into by lying to themselves.

“That name. It said it all. I’ll never have his past, because she has it. I’ll never have his future, because he refuses to give it to anyone who isn’t her. And I’ll never know why, because he’ll never tell me.”

During an intensely intimate moment, Miles calls Tate “Rachel.” Tate finally comes to terms with the reality of her situation with Miles. Rule number two isn’t about her, and it never has been. Regardless of what Tate sacrifices, they will never be able to move forward in their relationship until Miles confronts his past. This epiphany allows Tate to move forward and forces Miles to do the same.

"He smiles, but it’s not the smile I used to love on Miles. This one is guarded, and I wonder if I did this to him. If I’m responsible for all the sad parts of him. There are so many sad parts of him now."

When Rachel encounters Miles in the present, she is able to clearly see the toll their trauma has had on him, which mirrors her own. The difference between them is that Rachel has been able to heal and build a life for herself, while Miles has lingered on his culpability.