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This chapter is a transcript of Jamie’s podcast, Transgressions, episode 705, in which Jamie interviews Shay. Shay tells Jamie about meeting Don Rockwell, Rachel’s father. Rachel invited Laurel, Clem, and Shay to March on the Park, a restaurant overlooking Central Park in New York City. Don was a large man, but sophisticated, and Shay was initially attracted to him because he was her friend’s father, making the attraction inappropriate. Don ordered everything off the menu, providing vegan options for Clem and multiple wines. He said the progressive ideology taught at Whitney was insufficient because it taught women to be like men to succeed, when it should be teaching them how to embrace their femininity. The girls all agreed, and they commented on how insightful Don was, despite being a man. Afterward, Shay became obsessed with Don, daydreaming about him and masturbating frequently.
Don invited the group out for drinks, and, though Clem thought it odd for their friend’s father to ask them out again, Shay and Laurel were excited to see him. At the bar, Don asked about their families. Laurel told him about her father’s death, Clem told him about how her parents didn’t understand her, and Shay told him things she had only ever told her friends. Don asked Shay who had failed her, and she responded that her father had failed her, surprising her friends. When the group left, Don held Shay back, putting his hands on her face and telling her she was beautiful but that she would be prettier with blonde hair, which hurt Shay. He asked what her father’s name was, and when Shay said Peter, Don told Shay she could call him whatever she wanted, including Peter, then pushed her along to her friends. In the present, Shay acknowledges that this was strange, but admits that she was still attracted to Don. Jamie decides to end the interview for the moment, and, though Shay protests, she falls asleep, waking up for just a moment to see Jamie tucking her into bed and lying on the floor.
Shay goes back to the Sparrow without Jamie. Though more people approach her alone, they leave as soon as she starts asking about Laurel. In the bathroom, Shay meets a woman with red hair doing drugs, and the woman says that the Sparrow is fake, and that another location, 7 Fox Lane, is more fun. She warns Shay that going to Fox Lane implies that she consents to whatever goes on there. Although the woman says Shay is the only person she has sent to Fox Lane, Shay thinks that Laurel may have gone there too, and she resolves to go. Nicole tells Shay the secret phrase “humble daughter,” which should get her in.
As Shay leaves the Sparrow, she runs into Jamie, who is upset that Shay lied and went to the Sparrow on her own because he feels it violates their teamwork in the investigation. Shay explains that she thought she could get more information alone and tells him that she got a new lead for them to follow. They head back to Jamie’s motel room, and Shay ignores another call and text from Cal. Jamie’s room is a mess, and he apologizes that the motel room is not as nice as what Shay is used to, noting that he looked Cal up on the internet. Jamie says that money was never important to him, and Shay reflects that Jamie’s family was financially stable, which removed the need for serious thought about money.
This chapter is a transcript of Jamie’s podcast, Transgressions, episode 705, in which Jamie interviews Shay. Shay notes how she, Laurel, and Clem pressured Rachel to arrange another meeting with Don, and Rachel invited them all to Don’s new house (the same house that unnerved Shay in the present). Shay dyed her hair blonde for the occasion. The house was full of Roman and Greek antiques, specifically weapons, but Rachel’s room was entirely pink and filled with dolls. Shay and her friends thought it odd, since Rachel didn’t decorate her dorm, but Clem joked about it. After some wine, Don subtly commanded Rachel to make dinner and suggested that the women put on aprons to help. Clem refused, but Laurel and Shay agreed to help, shunning Clem during the process of making dinner.
Before they ate, Don told the women that Aristotle was correct in thinking that men and women serve different purposes in life. He claimed that women were meant to submit to men, while men were meant to create. Clem was offended, and Don ordered Rachel to hold her hand over the flame of a candle. Rachel obeyed and burned her hand severely. Don said Rachel was strong because she was willing to obey even when it was painful, and Laurel asked if he would like her to put her hand in the flame. Laurel put her hand in the flame, recoiling in pain. They ate dinner, and Clem didn’t speak, while Laurel became suddenly extroverted. Before they left, Don pressed Shay against a wall, telling her that she secretly wanted to be owned by him. Shay was thrilled and ashamed. Don invited the women back for a sleepover the next weekend.
Ending the interview, Shay says that this encounter was only the beginning, and Jamie is confused that Shay went along with Don’s reduction of gender to a rigid binary of control and submission. Shay feels that the situation is more complicated than Jamie can understand, and she plans to meet with him the next day to investigate Fox Lane.
Shay goes to Fox Lane alone, despite Jamie’s protests. The house is large, and the owner is listed as John Smith. Shay sees a man enter the house by knocking then getting pulled inside by a man with startling white features. She notices an open window and decides to enter the house through it. Shay sneaks through the house and finds a staircase leading to a basement. In the basement, Shay finds a circle of women, naked, and a circle of men in business suits and white masks contorted into expressions of pain and sorrow. There is a man dressed in black in the center of the circle, and he leads the circle in a chant, urging the men to take control of the women. The women submit to the men, and they start performing sex acts. The group moves to go upstairs, and Shay panics. She hides, then follows the group upstairs. Upstairs, they continue to perform increasingly violent sex acts. This orgy reminds Shay of memories she does not want to confront. She believes Laurel took part in this ritual.
One of the men catches Shay, telling her that she is not allowed to only watch. He starts strangling her, and she tells him to stop. He tells her that she should meet the Philosopher, noting that the Philosopher loves hurting “entitled” women. The red-haired woman from the Sparrow interrupts, vouching for Shay and telling the group that Shay is new. The man stops strangling her, saying that she needs to be taken to the Lieutenant, and the red-haired woman, named Nicole, offers to bring her there. Nicole tells Shay that this ritual is not a game, and she will need to be screened before she can join. Shay tries to get more information from Nicole, but Nicole tells her to leave for now.
Shay meets Jamie at her hotel room, and he tells her that he tracked down the owner of Dominus Holdings, Gregory Ellworth. Shay explains the events that transpired at Fox Lane, and Jamie suggests reporting the man who strangled Shay to the police. However, Jamie does not think they can report the cult, as the women involved appear to be consenting. Shay asks what Jamie thinks the limits are to consent, commenting that society raises individuals to internalize a sense of self that is not always accurate:
What if you’re a woman […] and the world teaches you who you are, and where your place is, from the moment you’re born, but all along, it’s a lie. What if the lie chains you every day? If you’re not thinking straight any minute of your life, and even your defiance, even your pleasure, is suspect? […] How does consent work then? What makes you want the things you want? Is it your choice or were you molded? (144)
Shay tells Jamie to take out his phone to begin another interview.
This chapter is a transcript of Jamie’s podcast, Transgressions, episode 705, in which Jamie interviews Shay. Shay recalls spending a weekend at Don’s house with Rachel, Laurel, and Clem. They had a party on Friday, and Don asked them to clean on Saturday. Don read them excerpts from Aristotle, Schopenhauer, and Kant, all of which demeaned women. When Clem said she didn’t like the passages, Rachel spanked her with Don’s belt, telling her to apologize. Don ordered each of the other women to do the same.
After Don said they had beaten Clem enough, he took her out of the room, then returned and told Shay to follow him. Bringing Shay upstairs, Don pushed her into the mattress, telling her to obey him. Shay, recalling books like Twilight and Fifty Shades of Gray, was excited. Don asked what she wanted, and she felt powerful. They had sex, during which Don tried to degrade Shay, telling her to lick his boots. Shay enjoyed the experience, but the thought of her mother made her embarrassed. The next day, Don told Laurel that she was weak and brought Laurel and Shay to his bedroom. He had sex with Laurel while Shay watched. Afterward, Shay, Laurel, and Clem moved into Don’s house with Rachel, and the three of them lived in a room next to Don’s bedroom for the next year and a half.
Though living at Don’s was normal in some ways, Shay describes how the women slowly stopped leaving the house except to grocery shop or go to class. Don controlled the clothes they wore, the food they ate, and their daily activities, and he or Rachel punished them violently if they disobeyed or made any mistakes. Don targeted Clem more than Shay or Laurel because he didn’t like her body type, and Clem tried to find solace in their garden. One evening, with Don out of the house, Clem tried to leave, and Shay followed her. Rachel and Don caught them, and Don beat Shay, then forced Shay, Rachel, and Laurel to each cut Clem’s body once with a Roman pugio, or dagger. Don then told Shay to have sex with a man called Mr. X. Jamie tells Shay to stop because he is too disturbed by the story.
Jamie is upset by Shay’s story, and he tells her that she should not go back to Fox Lane. Shay explains that Mr. X, and the men who came after him, said they wanted Don’s “counsel,” calling him a “sage.” She thinks that the “Philosopher” one of the men at Fox Lane mentioned might be Don, and Jamie says that Don’s involvement makes it even more dangerous for Shay to return. Jamie is worried that Shay will fall back into the addictive relationship she had with Don, which only ended eight years prior when Clem died. Jamie recalls that he met Shay in the city while she was still with Don, and her appearance at that time convinced him that she was in a cult. Shay claims that Jamie does not trust her, and she insists on telling Jamie the remainder of her story. Jamie notes that their interviews will be published on the podcast, but Shay says that her and Laurel’s stories are entwined, and that one needs to know Shay’s story to understand Laurel’s.
This chapter is a transcript of Jamie’s podcast, Transgressions, episode 705, in which Jamie interviews Shay. After Mr. X, Don brought other men to the house, some of whom wanted to have sex with the women, some of whom wanted to watch them cook or clean. Don convinced the women that no one cared about them, and he took away their cellphones. Shay notes that her mother was dating a new man, and that relationship indicated to Shay that Don was right that her mother did not love her. Shay addresses the time Jamie saw Shay in the city, explaining that Don had let the women get ice cream while he went to a meeting. While Rachel went to the bathroom, Jamie approached. Jamie reflects that Shay was thin and pale, like a ghost, and Shay says that she had been so conditioned that she only saw Jamie as a threat. As Jamie talked to Shay, Clem asked him questions and tried to be friendly, but Laurel told him to leave. Don returned, and Shay ran to him. After the meeting, Clem told Shay and Laurel that she wanted to leave, but Laurel shut her down. The next day, Don returned and told them that Clem’s body had been found. At the police station, Shay convinced the police to escort her and Laurel back to the dorms, and they reported the situation with Don to the dean of the school. Nothing came of their reports, and, when they checked Don’s house weeks later, it was empty.
Jamie expresses confusion to Shay, wondering why it took Clem’s death to get Shay to leave Don’s house. Shay apologizes, but then she is irritated with Jamie, telling him that he does not know her as well as he thinks. She says that there are elements of her childhood that Jamie doesn’t know about, even though they were childhood friends, and Jamie asks her to tell him more.
Shay gets a call from Cal, who wants to know when she will be home. She says she doesn’t know. He gets upset, telling her that he expected her to be home before him. Suddenly, Shay realizes that Cal’s perception of her, and his behavior, is the same as Don’s during her time at Don’s house. She feels that Cal trapped her in the marriage, and she tells him that she quit her job as a journalist to work on her book, which requires her to stay in New York, comparing her work to his business trips. Cal says he wanted her to quit the journalism job to spend more time at home, and Shay tells him that he is keeping her in a cage. Cal thinks Shay is being ridiculous, but Shay sees the parallels between her marriage to Cal and her relationship with Don. Cal threatens to cut off Shay’s access to his money, and Shay notes how the threat reveals the imbalance of power that she has felt since she left journalism. She tells him to cut off her access if he wants, and hangs up.
Looking at herself in the mirror, Shay resents aspects of her appearance, like her lips, for the way they draw men’s attention. She is happy that aging has made her more “invisible,” just as people warned her it would in her youth. She regrets that she did not reach out to Laurel after college, noting how returning to Texas felt like a fresh start. Now, she resolves to go back to Fox Lane as a way to avenge Laurel, Clem, and any other missing women, as well as to explore her own rage and desire.
Shay’s experiences with Don explore the theme of Manipulation and Control in Relationships, even though Shay’s “relationship” with Don is unconventional. Her flashbacks reveal just how much her perception of the world is influenced by her awareness of power dynamics. Of Don, she says, “[W]hen people said you were beautiful, it was always a power move” (107). However, Shay does not want to believe that Don is manipulating her, Laurel, or Clem, preferring to think that she is “the powerful one” and that Don “hadn’t been able to help himself” (107). This dynamic, in which Don has total physical and emotional control over the three women in his house, leaves Shay with only one way to feel powerful, which is by commanding Don’s attention. Shay believes she is in control of her life, but this delusion is just another element of Don’s manipulation.
Critically, Don’s manipulation of the women starts with matters of etiquette, such as asking the women to help Rachel with dinner or cleaning. Shay acknowledges that it is normal for parents at a sleepover or gathering to ask for help with cooking and cleaning. However, Don infuses these requests with misogynistic rhetoric, framed as a kind of pseudo-feminism, in which he quotes from philosophers and thinkers of the past who thought that women were fundamentally inferior to men. Don tries to emphasize how all three women can find a strong identity in submitting to him, at which point the other women feel obligated to punish Clem for her disobedience.
The Complexities of Gender Roles and Submission are explored in Don’s personal philosophy and those of the philosophers he quotes, and these misogynistic beliefs cross into the narrative present, infecting Shay’s current marriage and her perception of her own sexuality. Shay questions whether true consent is possible at all in a society that molds the hopes and desires of people along gendered lines, saying, “If you’re not thinking straight any minute of your life, and even your defiance, even your pleasure is suspect…How does consent work then?” (144). Shay implies that a woman is conditioned to believe that she can only experience pleasure while submitting to a man, which would mean her consent to submission is only the product of indoctrination. Likewise, if she refuses to submit to a man, then that defiance would just be rebellion against indoctrination. Within a rigid gender dynamic, in which women must act one way and men another, there can be no real consent, Shay argues.
Through podcast transcripts, Shay explores her personal history with Jamie, addressing the memories that she spent the first chapters avoiding. The Impact of Past Trauma on the Present colors these nonlinear recollections as Shay hints at earlier experiences that influenced her actions in college. In addition, Shay’s ability to recite Aristotle on command and her feeling of being haunted by the “ghost” of Don show how her traumatic experience at Don’s house continues to affect her in the present.
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