Everything I Know About Love

Scott and Farly take a trip to Cambridge. Alderton is upset by the seriousness of their relationship as she is usually the one with a boyfriend, but now Farly has a “proper, older boyfriend” (95). Alderton feels jealous as Scott and Farly grow closer and fall in love. She recalls a sense of security when Farly dated in their youth, because when they were young, Alderton still had Farly all to herself. At a party one night, Alderton ignores Farly and focuses on her boyfriend, Leo. When Farly asks why Alderton has ignored her all night, Alderton replies, “Why have you been ignoring me for a year?” (97). Farly and Alderton go upstairs and argue: Alderton says Farly sees her as “Björn Again,” the warm-up band they saw at a Spice Girls concert; she feels as though she is just Farly’s insignificant warm-up act and Scott is now her Spice Girls. Afterwards, Leo and Alderton briefly argue, and he says that it might not be normal for Alderton to prioritize her best friend over her romantic relationship, much less expect Farly to do the same.

Alderton drifts from one job to another, yearning for the perfect job the same way she once yearned for the perfect boyfriend. One day, a producer for a reality show Alderton wrote about on her blog calls Alderton and invites her to interview for a creative position on the production team. The interview consists of “dissecting the habits of posh people” and psychoanalyzing the cast, which Alderton realizes is “90 percent of making successful reality television” (100). Three days later, Alderton receives a formal job offer as a story producer. Alderton loves her new job immediately; she soon prioritizes work over Leo, and they separate. Farly, AJ, and Alderton move into a London house together. Alderton realizes Farly and Scott are falling more deeply in love, and she feels like she cannot win.

This list is comprised of things said to Alderton that get on her nerves, and most of them are in the form of questions. Some make the speaker sound ignorant and/or arrogant, such as, “I’m more of a boys’ girl” and “I think you need a glass of water.” Others are directed at Alderton’s personal habits or her body: “You were quite drunk last night;” “Marilyn Monroe was a size 16.” Others are more humorous, for example, “Would you like to sign Alison’s birthday card?” and “I’m a natural salesperson.” The fourth entry on the list reflects Alderton’s gripe with serious relationships: “I’m engaged!” (104).

Alderton is disappointed by a co-worker’s refusal to stay out drinking with her any later than 8:30 pm. She takes the bus home and ends up walking into a pub down the street from the house she shares with Farly and AJ. Inside the pub, Alderton meets an older man who tells her stories of his life growing up in the nearby area. The next day, when Alderton talks to Farly and AJ, she says she went into the pub “Because it was Tuesday night…and I could” (107). Alderton relishes the freedom of adulthood that allows her to befriend an old man in a pub any day of the week, even if that freedom comes with paying bills and other responsibilities. Alderton describes the trials she, Farly, and AJ went through trying to find a decent house in London that fit their needs. The trio pools their savings and spends the first months living in “frantic, frenetic frugality” (110).

As mice become a recurring problem, the trio befriends a local shop manager, Ivan, who often comes to their rescue. Alderton likes Camden because it is “perilously, hopelessly uncool,” and she never feels like she has to impress anyone there (112). Soon, their house becomes the spot where all their friends come to get high. Alderton befriends Fergus, a local drug dealer, and their closeness baffles Farly. Soon, Fergus suddenly drops out of touch, so Alderton finds a new drug dealer in CJ, to whom she refers as a “steadfast disaster” and “the worst drug dealer in London.” Alderton finds the acquisition of drugs more exciting than actually taking the drugs themselves, while Farly finds the whole process so time-consuming that she quickly loses interest. Eventually, one of Alderton’s friends advises her to choose who she wants to be: the girl who parties hard, or the girl who works hard. Alderton chooses the latter.

Alderton shares a recipe she has made for men she likes, including a musician she dated when she was 24 in the hopes it would make him love her. Alderton advises the reader to serve with vegetables or potatoes, and not “your big open heart” (122).

The author of an unsigned group email invites their friends over for their “attempt at behaving like an adult” (123). The dinner party guest list includes an “outrageous gay friend” and his “benevolent new boyfriend,” a feminist friend whose liberal outlook will make the gay friend more comfortable, a single friend from work who will flirt with everyone, a “posh” engaged couple who will only discuss their wedding plans, and a “slaggy” friend who will document the whole evening on Instagram. Activities at the party will include discussions of celebrity deaths, the next James Bond, and comparing rent costs.