Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience

When we feel wronged, we can experience anger, contempt, disgust, dehumanization, hate, and self-righteousness. Anger is when “we feel something gets in the way of a desired outcome or when we believe there’s a violation of the way things should be” (220). Anger can exist on its own (which Brown realized when challenged by research), but it can also coincide with other emotions. This chapter includes visual charts that show other feelings that could be behind anger, like embarrassment, confusion, sadness, etc. (222-23). Brown doesn’t believe anger is always negative—in fact, keeping anger inside is what becomes toxic. Brown challenges that anger catalyzes us to act against injustice, etc.

Contempt is a known predictor of divorce and relationship conflict. Brown draws from the Gottman institute, who explains that contempt is when we express or feel “I’m better than you. And you are lesser than me” (228). Contempt is deep dismissal of someone else. Brown cites articles that show the growing contempt in our culture, often between political and social groups. Brown contrasts contempt with disgust, which is when we physically feel repulsed by someone: “Inferiority is not the issue, the feeling is more physical” (230). Disgust was likely an evolutionary mechanism to protect us from poison, etc. Similarly, we feel disgusted by humans when trying to shield ourselves from internal or moral poison. Disgust can be dangerous because when we feel repulsed by someone, we are more likely to dehumanize others, which leads to violence and cruelty.

When we are angry with someone, we might be able to forgive them. When we are disgusted by them, we are more likely to strip them of their human dignity.

Brown warns her reader that dehumanization is “one of the greatest threats to humanity” (233). She draws on research from David Livingstone Smith and Michelle Maiese to describe this process of viewing and then treating someone as less than human. We do this to make harming others more psychologically comfortable. For example, Brown uses the example of how the Nazis described the Jews as sub-human, rats, rodents, etc.

Hate is a combination of other negative emotions. We can feel hate toward people we haven’t met. In fact, being separated from others makes us more likely to hurt them. Hate leads to a desire to destroy or remove another. Finally, when we feel wronged, we can experience self-righteousness, which is “the conviction that one’s beliefs and behaviors are the most correct” (239).

Brown believes that pride and humility are regularly misunderstood concepts. Brown believes pride is “feeling a sense of pleasure or celebration related to our accomplishments or efforts” (242). This authentic pride can apply to our feelings about others, such as when a parent feels proud of their child’s experiences, etc.

While pride is often referred to as a negative thing, Brown believes it’s because we confuse pride with hubris, which is “an inflated sense of one’s own innate abilities” (243). Hubris can make people control or try to intimidate others. This is different from self-esteem. In fact, Brown’s research shows people demonstrating hubris often have low self-esteem and try to compensate for it. In extreme cases, this develops into narcissism, which Brown defines as “the shame-based fear of being ordinary” (245). To avoid feelings of shame, narcissists try to convince themselves they are superior to others.

Brown closes by defining humility, which comes from the Latin word for “groundedness.” When people are humble, they are open to learning new things or more about themselves. They have a “balanced and accurate assessment of [… their] strengths, imperfections, and opportunities for growth” (245). Brown argues that letting others control you or hiding your accomplishments is not humility. While we can feel both pride and humility, what is different is while pride is a feeling of our positive accomplishments, humility is a more centered understanding of our place in the world, for good and bad. 

Brown explains how the process of this book helped her finish work she began years ago answering how we cultivate meaningful connection. Discovering the theory of near enemies was monumental for Brown because it helped her realize how we “spirituality can be misunderstood or misused to separate us from life” (252). Emotions and experiences that are near enemies means they can be mistaken but are different and are sometimes a counterfeit of the other. Brown believes that “near enemies become practices that fuel separation” (253). Brown gives examples, such as mistaking love, which empowers the other, for attachment, which stifles the other.

Brown has developed a grounded theory on meaningful connection that is made up of three parts.

The first step is grounded confidence, which is what happens when we remove our “armor” of self-protection and allow ourselves to “show up” as our true selves. Brown states it is “driven by a commitment to learning and improving,” but its near enemy is “knowing and proving” (260). Brown believes we cannot be curious and open when we are shut off to others’ perspectives or to growing.

Next, connection requires us to “practice the courage to walk alongside” (261). This challenge is to accompany others with empathy rather than trying to control them. Instead of exerting power over others to control their lives or our society, Brown encourages us to walk with them and learn from each other.

Finally, Brown urges the reader to practice story stewardship, which is “honoring the sacred nature of story” (264). When others share their experience, we cannot take over and explain what we think really happened, nor can we tap out emotionally. We need to engage, listen, and believe them even if they are expressing something different from our experience.

Brown closes the book by encouraging the reader to become curious about emotions and more precise in the language we use to describe them. This will help us understand our own experience and be empathetic listeners of others.